More 23M Jokes
Before he starred and directed in his own movies, Woody Allen was a standup comedian of some note. In one of my favorite routines, Allen talks about the time the ghost of a 1939 Packard drove through his living room every night.
He called the American Psychics Institute to get some help with his problem. They told him to get the license plate number of the vehicle.
So he did.
They called back and told Woody that there was nothing they could do. The car, as it turns out, was a rental.
I Told You
A conspiracy theorist watches a skeptic as he paces nervously in front of the Grand Canyon. “C’mon,” she screeches. “I haven’t got all day.”
“Don’t push me,” the skeptic screeches back. “There’s a lot of thinking involved, here. I’ve got to concentrate, and you’re just making it worst.”
“Okay, okay,” says the conspiracy theorist. “Just take your time.”
After much contemplation the skeptic says, “Ah ha! I’ve got it!” He points to his arm and says, “This is my elbow.” Pointing to his backside, he declares, “This is my ass.” Pointing to the Grand Canyon, he triumphantly states, “And that’s a hole in the ground.”
“Hmm.” deadpans the conspiracy theorist. “I was wrong.”
An Old Gag from the Ether
During a midnight church service, the lights begin to flicker on and off, startling some of the congregation. Strange noises emanate from the church’s PA system, and the smell of sulphur begins to permeate the air.
Suddenly the lights go out. An apparition appears behind the pulpit and bellows, “I am Satan, in all my glory in majesty. Bow before me now, lest you truly want to suffer the tortures of the damned.”
The flock, en masse, screaming in terror, haul ass to the church exit. . . . except for one middle-aged woman sitting in the third row of pews. The devil looks at her and says, “Didn’t you hear me? I’m Satan.”
“I heard,” said the woman.
“Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Why should I be?” she asks. “I’ve been married to your son for the last twenty-five years.”
I Don’t Know Where I Picked This One Up, but . . .
An elderly Ojibwa (Chippewa) gentleman and his grandson went hiking one day in a forest near the Wisconsin Dells. They stopped to rest on top of an eighty-foot bluff that overlooked a clearing.
As they sat, admiring the beauty of nature, they watched as a flying saucer landed in the middle of the clearing. They then saw an all-terrain vehicle screeching to the site. Two men in black suits got out of the car at about the time two gray aliens disembarked from the UFO.
The grays and the black suits began conversing, while the old man and his grandson looked on in amazement. Suddenly, one of the gray aliens noticed the Indians, and pointed them out to the other three. The four stopped their conversation in mid-sentence and approached the man and his grandson.
Before the black suits could say anything, one of the grays began to speak to the old man in fluent Ojibwa, and the old man responded in kind. The grays then waved bye-bye, ran to their ship, and took off.
The black suited humans raced after the grays, but to no avail. They then thought to question the old man and his grandson, but they had resumed their hike and couldn’t be found. After making composite sketches of the two and running them through face-recognition software, they finally tracked down the grandson.
The suits went to grandson’s house, and flashed credentials. “We’re from the NSA,” one of them explained. “We’d like to ask you some questions about what you and that old man saw yesterday.”
“Okay,” said the teen.
“Do you speak Ojibwa?”
“So can you tell us what the gray alien said?”
The teenager replied, “The alien told my grandfather that his people were visiting the Earth from another planet lightyears away. They needed a place to set up a refueling station, and were in the process of negotiating with the United States government for landing rights in exchange for advanced technology.”
“And what did your grandfather tell them?”
“Grandpa said, ‘Be careful of these guys. They break their treaties. The next thing you know they steal all your land, and kill off your buffalo.’”