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Saturday, April 29, 2006

Biblioscopes: Advice for All Sun Signs April 29 to May 5

Biblioscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Each Saturday I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a week's worth of good advice for each sun sign.
This week's featured book is The Slate Diaries, written by a whole bunch o'folk, but edited only by Jodi Kantor, Cyrus Krohn, and Judith Shulevitz.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)
The second time I was fired, the job also lasted four days, though spread over four months.
Look for hints that you may be in trouble--one of them may be a time lapse.

Taurus (April 21- May 20)
Our very thoughtful priest, Father Krawinkel, delivered an appropriate sermon, ending by quoting Malcolm Muggeride in his Chronicles of Wasted Time, lamenting the loss of the years he'd wasted before finding faith. This closing was particularly stinging to me because not only was I unsure I had yet found any faith, but also I have had Chronicles of Wasted Time sitting on my bedroom bookshelf for about five years, waiting to be read.
Live this week like its your last. Not that it is, but you will avoid some great disappointments.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
When we were tykes, we would never go to the nurse for an itch due to a bug bite or for chapped lips. It was understood hat these things were parts of life with which we coped. Now such visits are commonplace.
"When I was your age..." from you, Gemini? Hush your mouth. When you were that age, you hated those "when I was your age" stories and shut your ears right away. Just listen to what the people around you are saying.

Cancer (June 21-July 20)
As a man I didn't worry about my weight. Men think they look good no matter how they look.
Points of view you had at different stages of your life will help you now, whether those other points involved being the opposite sex or not.

Leo (July 21-Aug. 20)
De-regulation and a sky-high stock market have indeed provoked human nature--a number of 50- and 60-something bankers are making some big, empire-buiding moves, while others are counting their options and golden parachutes and heading for the door.
Be an opportunist, even if you must make lemonade from lemons. In a hurricane.


Virgo (Aug. 21-Sept. 20)
I like now, as then, dark-haired Jewish girls, spy novels, and thrillers.
You will rediscover yourself through your past loves and hobbies. If it will not affect any of your relationships, take a nice, dark-haired Jewish girl to a thriller.

Libra (Sept. 21-Oct. 20)
I was actually inundated today with twisted ankles and stomachaches, urinary accidents and nosebleeds.
Your week may be embarrassing, but not life-threatening. Handle with aplomb.

Scorpio (Oct. 21-Nov. 20)
I really am going to lose my mind if I have to keep reading my parents' words for the rest of my life and not have them to talk to.
If your parents are still around, give 'em a call. If not, write a very short letter to them, and burn it to send.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21-Dec.20)
The red-hot Mongolian sauce in the curious little bottle sent a convincing warmth to every corner of my body.
I don't really have to advise you to try some new cuisine, adventurous Sagittarius? You must be getting away from your true nature. Start with the foreign food, and move on to the foreign books, films. Maybe plan a trip outside the country.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 20)
"Now really, Dan," my personal Torquemada said to me at the end of this literary equivalent of a root-canal session, "I don't want you to feel bad about this."
Your superiors can see how badly you feel about this painful situation. And they only know how to pretend to care. I'll never know how you can stand these fake people, Capricorn. I guess your upper lip is stiffer than mine.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb 20)
Inaugural plans have been haunting me for weeks, and I lurch between micro-management mode and lead-me-around-I'm-a-smiling-vegetable mode.
Neither of those modes is good for business. When no one is looking, take a deep breath, shake out your hands, and delegate, delegate, delegate!

Pisces (Feb.21-Mar. 20)
pointing a stream of soundwaves
to translate the dark inside his ribs
into a midnight screen, its pulse
Get thee to a fancy new nightclub, or to a jazz club. Your ruling planet, Neptune is calling you to music, and the night. Just like a vampire. Vampires are sexy, Pisces is sexy...I'm starting to see the connection. What are you doing reading this? Find a night club now, get your outfit together...NOW!

*The dates given to each sun sign are approximate--the dates of each sun sign change annually with the date of the vernal equinox. If you were born between the 18th and 24th of any month, you should get a free astrology report from www.astrology.com or www.geocosmic.org just so you can answer properly when someone asks, "What's your sign?"

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