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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The FEMALE CONSPIRACY - THE MOTHER OF ALL CONSPIRACIES

Gentlemen, I’m about to share with you something that all men should know, but all women conspire to keep secret from men. I, however, have broken the code. I’ve paid attention, eavesdropped, asked, and searched. I’m now going to tell you about

THE FEMALE CONSPIRACY

James Brown said “It’s a man’s world!”
Tammy Wynette said “He’s JUST a man.”

Billy Joes said “The young man is the King of any Kingdom that he sees.”
Helen Ready “I am woman, hear me Roar!”

What is the Female Conspiracy?

Women have kept secret, since the time of Eve, that THEY run the world. Women have cleverly created the illusion that men have always been in charge of the world. They laugh at us as we call this a Patriarchal society… Men, since the time of Eve, have been duped, manipulated, emasculated, and controlled by women. Note that I said ‘Women’ and not woman. All women, every single one of them upon reaching the age of ascension, are inducted into the great sisterhood of the female conspirers. They are ALL in on it.

Do you not believe me? Go to the nearest woman and ask her to tell you about the Female Conspiracy. Know what she’ll say? She’ll at you confused like, and like you’re a bit crazy, and she’ll say:

“What are you talking about?”
“Whuuut?”
“The female whut?”
“I’ve never heard of it.”
“There’s no such thing.”
“YOU tell ME!”

Do you see it men? Yep… DENIAL! And denial is always the first symptom. But I’m sure this isn’t enough to convince you, and it shouldn’t be. You need more evidence to really be convinced. I’m going to give that to you today.

- NO WIFE OF MINE IS EVER GONNA WORK!

Men use to actually say that!!! Women had them so well trained, that men not only thought it was good that a wife not work, but they thought it a shame for a wife to work. Of course, things have been breaking down, which is why I’ve been able to gather evidence.

- A MAN'S BIKE HAS THAT DAMNED BAR

A man’s bike has a bar that goes from just under the seat to the the front of the bike.A woman’s bike does NOT. WHY? Mechanically a woman’s bike is strong enough to support a mans weight and average velocity. It is not like that for any engineering reason. Now the reason we have been given is “because women wear dresses and that bar would get in the way.”

Ha ha ha ha ha. It is to laugh. Ha. I laugh.

Guys, you’ve been through this. What happened when you were a kid and slipped off the seat and fell forward? That’s RIGHT… You smashed both of ‘em on that damn bar! THAT is that bar’s only purpose. (Later I will explain how testicles were actually a woman’s invention)

- MEN HAVE TO ASK WOMEN TO DANCE.

Why? I’ll tell you. So that they can occasionally shatter his ego and will, thus reducing him to a miserable, feeble hearted, confidence lacking son of Adam. You see, if you want to control someone, you have to break their will. This also happens during high school dances, Prom, and casual dating.

- WOMEN GO TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER.

They really do! You’ve seen it. Now, inevitably the women you personally know are going to say one of two things. “Oh OTHER women do that, but I never do.” And “That’s so that we can gossip about you guys.”

It is to laugh. Ha. See!? I laughed.

Add something else to this equation that they are hopeing men over look. If a group of men got up to go to the bathroom together, they are looked down upon. It’s true. I led a rebellion once at a Chile’s restaurant. After the women in our group went to the bathroom together, I decided it was time for equality. I stood and said “Tony, I’m going to the men’s room! Are you ready?” (Note just like a woman. They don’t ask the other woman IF she has to go, they just say ‘are you ready’ because it’s understood that they will go together.) So my friend Tony, whom I had earlier exposed the Female Conspiracy to, stood up and said “Why YES! Yes I’m ready to go! Barry, Come on. We’re going to the Men’s room. Bill you too.” A group of SIX men went to the men’s room together. I casually glanced back and looked at the expression on the women’s faces. Shock! Confusion! Worry! Yep.. they were wondering if we were doing what they do.

So why DO women go to the bathroom together? What do they really do when they are in there?

INTELLIGENCE reports! And information queries!!! Years before Pc’s hit the market, before radio shacks trash-80, before the commodore 64, before the z-80 processor, women had personal computers. They kept them in the one place men would never look for the - In the women’s room of restaurants and clubs. And it was a perfect choice. On dates, or group outings they go in there, press or pull the right button and everything changes. Computers fold out from behind the mirrors or stalls, satellite dishes come out of the roof, microphones, video phones, the whole shooting match.

They take the data they’ve collected about the men they are with and enter it into the female uni-mind storage master. They can also get information about their date or the men they are with. That enables them to have the upper mind and control men. Ever notice how women seem to be able to read your mind men? And they SAY it’s female intuition.

It is to laugh. Ha. I laugh.

It’s all the data they’ve collected and shared!!! Quite brilliant really. By the way, I believe to actually get the computers and what not to pop out, you have to pull the right combination of knobs on the tampon machine. One thing men will never touch. One more thing about this.

Have you ever noticed how long women take when they go to the women’s room? EXACTLY! You see it now don’t you? They need that extra time to do their data exchanges. Is it not obvious now?

- TESTICALS! IS THIS A LOGICAL DESIGN?

Men, I ask you… Our gonads are external to our bodies. They’re not kept inside where it’s safe and warm. NO! They’re out there exposed to the elements. Ever go into the pool when it’s cold? Or a lake? The ocean? See what I’m saying? Damn right it’s cold!

Can you even recall the number of times you’ve been kneed, kicked, hit with sporting equipment, or made a bad mistake when a mechanical sex machine was in use… Is this something God would design??? Is this something evolution would design? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Evolution AND God both want the species to survive. In fact, God commanded men to go forth and PROCREAT.

So how did things get like…this? Genetic manipulation by women thousands of years ago. Although I have no direct evidence yet.

-WOMEN SPEAK IN CODE!

“Nothing.” A word that has a hundred different meanings when women use it. I’ll expound on that another time.

“Fine.” Same as Nothing.

Women can speak to each other and leave parts of sentences out and not lose the thread of the conversation. We men get lost and can’t follow what they’re saying. As we get older we just give up trying. And how many times have you heard this?

“Well, he should have just KNOWN!”

It is to laugh. Ha. I laugh.

- ELIJAH RAN FROM JEZEBEL Elijah

a Prophet of God mentioned in the old testament. His name means Yahweh is God. Elijah was pretty hard core. A tough guy. He could eat bugs and raw birds and survive. One day, Elijah challenges over SEVEN HUNDRED prophets of Baal. SEVEN HUNDRED!!! Do you know the story? Here’s the gist.

They both piled up wood, put a dead cow on top of it. And the challenge was to burn it as a sacrifice to their respective god’s. The 700 couldn’t get their fire to start. Baal just wouldn’t answer them… Elijah has gobs and gobs of water poured over his pile of wood and cow, and even a trench dug around it and filled with water. He then prays to God and fire comes down from the sky and consumed BOTH piles.

So what? Well Elijah stood up to 700 false prophets, and afterwards they were thrown off a cliff, to their deaths. Later, I cant remember how much later exactly, he goes and confronts Queen Jezebel (Yes she was a real person. She is where the term comes from. She was something of a hussy and idol worshiper) He confronts her and tells her, that her time is over and that even the dogs will feast on her bones. Her response? “GET HIM!” and Elijah RAN!!!

In fact, he ran so far and so fast that he outran chariots!!! It’s one of the seven miracles he performed. Do you see it? He stood up to 700 evil men! And ran away, at miracle speed, from a single woman… Need I say more?

I had better stop here for now. Leaking too much of this at one time could cause change to come so fast it would be catastrophic. Plus, it could REALLY piss the women off. I don’t need that. A whole world of women mad at me? Who would I smooch?

7 Comments:

Blogger Rinda Elliott said...

Well, I love it! It's a radical burst of paranoid brilliance. ROFL!!

I think I'm a man in a woman's body. I hate it when I get up to go to the restroom and another woman stands to go with me. I've actually said aloud, "Oh, I know what to do."

I also never put the toilet paper roll on the holder and I could care less whether it goes over or under. Please. There are so many more important things to worry about!

10:38 AM  
Blogger X. Dell said...

Rinda, I knew there was something I liked about you.

Doc, I'd really like to think that my single status can be blamed on a female conspiracy. I'll see if I can gather evidence to support these claims:-)

10:57 AM  
Blogger Johnny said...

Different species, we are. My favorite occurence is when a woman gives a man of choice, say what color should I wear, this one or that one. The man will choose one and the woman will rip into him, saying "But I like this one better!" or some such rot.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Suki said...

thanks Doc T for clearing that up for me. Now I know where my secret meeting is.

One of my favorite quotes from a film on this subject goes something like this: "He is a man, the head of the family. I am his wife, I am his neck. I turn the head. He sees what I want him to see."

I don't like the women going to the bathroom thing either. I know that my mom does it because she doesn't want to get lost in a restaurant by herself. At a club on the lower east side I used to frequent, a young woman got raped in the ladies' room, but that didn't stop me from hanging out over there (the fact that they started having tribute bands did). But then a lot of hetero couples hung out in the ladies room at that joint. It was where the twenty-something dramas took place.


Johnny: Oh, really, is that what women are like? We shall have to discuss that more. Later.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Rinda Elliott said...

Not all women utter that rot. (g)

I have dragged a friend into the bathroom with me at concerts. But only in the scary places...

5:10 PM  
Blogger Da Gal said...

Niether I or any of my friends have ever fallen into that whole go to the bathroom in groups thing. Although, one of my friends might prefer that because when she goes she somehow has ended up in the men's room on at least one occasion. LOL I wish I would have seen that. I just saw her scurry back to the table all flushed. I thought she got some hot guy's phone number... yeah... like yours Doc. (grin)

6:04 PM  
Blogger Betty S said...

Shhhhh!

Some of us are quite different and actually manage to stand on our own two feet while thinking for ourselves.

3:30 PM  

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